She is in my trunk
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
