dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
