i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
