I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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