Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
