ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
