Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
