Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
