I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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