Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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