How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
