Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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