I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i already hear my dad disowning me
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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