I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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