Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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