how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
