Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
