True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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