Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
