Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
