Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.