You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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