dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
