i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
