u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Randomize
