Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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