i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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