We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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