Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
