Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
