I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
