fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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