Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Randomize
