I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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