he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
