Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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