I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
