Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
