DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Randomize
