what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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