the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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