At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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