My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
