I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
True college students do jello shots in the library
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