Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
