i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
