cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
