i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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