You're my little dorito
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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