shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
