Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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